my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
