I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
