I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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