I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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