I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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