a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
