At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
