and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
