guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
