I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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