i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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