Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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