Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
