Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
