Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
