do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Randomize
