If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
