you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
