Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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