Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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