Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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