he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
