at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
