The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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