did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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