btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
