It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
