His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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