Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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