We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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