Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
