Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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