OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
