I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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