i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
