just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
