I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
