come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
