I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize