the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
