her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sarcasm needs its own font
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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