How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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