A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
