normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
