i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
