Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
