i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
