OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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