I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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