Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
