I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
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I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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