the condom got lost in my hair
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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