my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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