I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
