you traded sex for a burrito?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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