the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Randomize
