6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My vagina is officially offended.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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