I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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